rea life

I opened the passenger seat door to give her something. She was about to move her backpack and then realized that I am not going with her, not any more. Her arm stayed stretched out as if to touch me. But I did not come close enough, and she didn't really care enough.

Not so long ago I realized just how much she can't stand my touch. Just how much my hugs bothered her. And I decided to accept that she will never love me and that I will never get the tenderness I so desired for years. With that, I decided that crumbles from her table are no longer enough for me. 

But it still hurt. It hurt to see her hand going towards me and knowing that it won't touch me. Even more, that it wouldn't mean anything to her and it would turned my world upside down for the hundredth time because my heart just doesn't get it. And to make things worse, she wouldn't even be aware of what was happening inside me, because she never cared even when my face was tear stricken and my words very clear. 

How difficult it is to let go of hope that the one you love will ever love you, and still keep the hope that somebody else will.