Anna and Natalie 6

Natalie wasn't happy with my progress, but she accepted it and helped me reevaluate what I actually could accomplish. I think she was being cautious not to overwhelm me this time, but I missed her strictness, because she was acting out of fear or ... some sense of responsibility towards me... It didn't feel like love and she didn't seem herself.

In the end I passed the exams with two Bs and two Cs, but, of course, I lost the scholarship... 

Instead of enjoying my summer, I knew I was supposed to take summer courses and work... it was depressing, it was too much, so I gave up. 

Natalie was blaming herself which was distancing her from me. I knew I had failed everyone and that I was making a mess out of my life. I've been hearing about student loans and incessant debts and had sworn thousands of times that it would never be me...

At first, I was about to give up, as always, but then I thought about all options, selling my body, stealing, selling drugs,... I actually considered all of them... The emptiness in my heart made me not care... about morals or other people... but it also made me not care about myself, so I couldn't push myself to do any of those things in order to pursue my studies which stopped being worth the effort.

After a couple of days I decided to go back home. I didn't announce my decision to just quit school to anyone. Natalie disagreed with my decision, but that was all she said. "I think you should take summer classes. But it's your choice".
I pretended it was easier to find work at home. Mum tried all in her power to cheer me up, once I got there. She was trying to show me how it could all still turn out just fine. I spent my days sleeping in... with the curtains over the windows, watching TV shows when I just couldn't sleep any more... and I couldn't help thinking about Nat and what we could have been doing at that moment in some different reality...you know... the usual pity party. 

Mum was helpless as always. I asked her not to tell Nat anything, and I think Natalie didn't really call her much. When Mum called her she talked about how busy she was, but I knew that it she was trying to find a way out. 

I thought a lot about suicide, but I always kept thinking how I couldn't do it to Mum. The summer was flying past me... I would start getting panicked, then, I just wanted oblivion, then I would let myself watch TV shows and not think about the future. The school year was about to start, I made myself go through the necessary procedures of taking a year off, although I thought it was going to be forever. When everything was over, I told my Mum that I had quit. We talked about me going to a psychiatrist. It seemed a fine idea to me because I felt I couldn't get out of it by myself.... although I did start thinking about how wonderful it would be if somehow Nat cared about me enough, if she was my female father... somehow... and I sank deeper into the sorrow...
*****
I was coming down the stairs when I heard Nat's voice. She was talking to Mum over Skype and she was mad. I froze on the top of the stairs, my heart beating like crazy. I was alive again. I felt the familiar fear mixed with the wonderful feeling being cared for by a powerful being. I had forgotten how marvelous a feeling that was.
Nat kept saying how my Mum couldn't let me ruin my own life, how she should be stricter, and my Mum, miserable and helpless on the verge of tears, kept repeating how she's powerless and how she can't be strict because we don't have that kind of relationship.

Nat had asked to talk to me couple of days ago, but I made my Mum lie. She tried to Skype me once and wrote: "Call me!" but I kept my invisible status and answered when I knew she was working or on her way to work. "I guess you're getting to work. I didn't see the msg earlier... How are you??". And then I turn the Skype off for weeks. My phone was cancelled and it was easy to just make my Mum lie.

- Tell her to come and talk to me now. Or even better , take the laptop to her room. -  A whirlpool of feelings sucked me in. The longing to see her, talk to her,... God how much I wanted to hug her, the fear, the embarrassment because if she talks about spanking in front of Mum that would be humiliating, so I would have to brush it off, like it doesn't matter... and... there would be confrontation...
Mum was moving!!! I ran into my room, looked at the mirror. I looked despicable.
Mum was already knocking!
- Honey, Nat wants to talk to you.
-Oh, just enter her room! - My Goddess was impatient. Mum has always been easily influenced by Nat. Not that I could blame her.
She was about to enter when I opened the door and took the laptop.
- Thanks, Mum! - I whispered  with a begging expression Close the door pleeeease...
***
- Just take your time, Anna. Don't you hurry. - a loved scary voice boomed from the speakers. - And your room is an unacceptable mess. - I dared turn the camera towards me only when I put it on the table.
-Nat... - I couldn't speak. I loved her so much... my eyes were welling up from emotions.
- Why didn't you call me? Look at me!! - I was already on the verge of crying. I wanted to look at her. Oh, how much I had missed her. The tears were already streaming down my cheeks ....  - What are you trying to do? Kill your mother? ( I was looking for paper tissues) What's that nonsense with quitting school. You wouldn't be the first student to work and study. Anna, I told you to look at me!
- I am sorry... I can't. I mean... I can't study and work...
- Stop that right now. Oh,...I want to shake that out of you! I can't wait to lay my hands on you, then you will be sorry.
- I am thankful for all your time and effort, and I'm...
-THANKFUL FOR MY EFFORT!!!
- It didn't sound...
- Oh, it DID NOT! Listen to me, young lady. I want you to call the university, try to fix everything and to come here on Saturday. Is that understood?
-No, Nat, please, listen to me...
-... telling me how you can't do it when I know you can?
-No, but, Nat...
- I don't have the time to come there, and trust me you don't want me to. I am expecting you on Saturday. And you'd better get your act together right now or we'll have problems.
- But... - and the "call ended".
I sat there wondering what had just happened. I was scared of what was awaiting me... not the spanking - that - I almost wanted, but the effort and the energy it would demand. And now, when some time had passed by and when I had realized how high-maintenance I had been and how much of a burden for Nat, I knew I couldn't do it again, knowing it would be all in vain. Knowing I could never "pay her back" in time, effort, help... because I was pathetic. The excitement and energy I had started feeling just disappeared, like a pierced balloon. I couldn't make her waste any more time on me... be in her way... it wouldn't be fair ... it just wouldn't be right.
When Mum asked me about the conversation I just said how Nat is delusional thinking I'm going there on Saturday and how she should tell her not to expect me.
***
The next day Mum gave me a plane ticket and said Natalie made her buy it saying how this is the last chance to wake me up. And I saw that she felt how deep I was. I said I would go, but only to explain to Natalie that I cannot do it. She accepted it with a sparkle in her eyes. Nat was her Goddess as well, the all powerful kind.