Liv

Finally, for the first time we will be together, sleeping in the same room. We will certainly talk about so many things. Certainly, this will be the best holiday ever!!! Now, we will get closer! I'll get to truly meet her and maybe she'll have time to talk about the things we never got around to. Maybe she will even listen to me, and get to care about me. I mean, yeah, she says she cares, and her Mom said that she loves me, but she doesn't treat me like she loves me... maybe now, when she gets to know me, maybe she will truly adopt me as her little sister or just a younger friend... Yes, all you brats and tops out there... yes I would like her to adopt me as her brat, but I know that's not possible, she's straight and she's not like that. She was spanked as a child and she's never hit anyone like that, ever! She threatens all the time and at first I thought it meant something - I thought it meant she was adopting me, but that's just something she says, and she even says it to older people... And it's been 9 years now, and I've deserved it many times both by my standards and by hers... OK, I admit... I am hoping for something like that as well, but I am not expecting it...

The trick is I can't really be naughty because then she'll never let me go on a holiday with her. And, also she doesn't spank, she becomes cold and distant and I just fear that I would lose this friendship, although it's far from the friendship I want but... it's something...

I can't wait to get there...

Wish me luck!

***

She went out with him. Again. I thought I wouldn't hate him. But I do. And if we are pretending I am an adult (I am almost 30 but that doesn't mean I am an adult in my heart and head), then I'll go out and be an adult, I will be sexy, I will flirt, I will get drunk. Oh, I hope I'll find someone who has some drugs. I don't care what. I mean, I won't take heroin or something that bad, but pot... or... ecstasy .... or even coke... I'll take it and I'll go back in the morning and pretend like she's being ridiculous for being worried, I'll tell her that I am not a baby and that I don't need a babysitter ...

****

I got drunk and came home at 2 am, but she wasn't there... I wanted to go back outside but was just too tired to do it. I fell asleep, crying myself to sleep... that's understood..

****

I can hear her humming... she's preparing breakfast... I feel sick...

- Come on, Liv, breakfast is on the table.

- Thanks, Remy, but I am really not hungry.

- We have a bit of a hang over, don't we?  - her tone is almost teasing but a bit reproachful too.

- Yeah, but you came home late ... - I try to be equally nonchalant but her face expression changes.

- I think you should get a shower and eat ... It'll help you clear your head. - Right, I think to myself, we can talk about my hang over but not about her night life. In that way I am the younger one and the brat (I wish) but when she's supposed give a damn about me then we're just friends, regular, normal, and not too close either. Agrh...

***

Coming out of the shower I really do think clearer. If I continue pouting I could just ruin the whole day. Maybe if she starts caring about me... maybe if I am good... maybe then she will really love me enough to care about what I do...

- Better? - she asks looking for signs of pouting.

- Yeah, I am sorry - Whyyyy do I always apologize to her. I didn't do anything wrong.

- Iggy is taking us to that lovely beach today. We should be ready in 20 minutes. - we... again weeee .... we are not we... you and your precious boy toy are weeee I am just a bother ...

Probably reacting to my expression she adds, not too satisfied.

- You don't have to go if you don't want to.

- No, I want to. - Of course I want to. That's why I came here. For your crumbs. For bits of time I spend with you. - I mean, unless it's only the two of you, in that case you should spend time together.

- No, Mario is coming as well. - she smiles, although I can see she's not too happy that her boy toy brings his friends with him all the time.

Mario wants to be with me. You know, like all men, he wants to have sex. I am ok looking. Some people say I look real good, but I don't agree. Anyhow, I have all female body parts, some not so developed, but the one men need the most to relieve themselves  is present. So my friend's boyfriend's friend is into me... So what?

****

I try to swim as far away as I can, but I am not so fit, and not so brave either ... I don't swim far enough to make her worried. And Mario is always way too near. Finally an idea pops into my head.

- Mario, can I ask you something, but... you know... don't tell Remy.

-Yeah, sure.

- I wondered if you knew someone who sold .... - my brain is racing... should I go for the big stuff... what if pot is too little a deal...  - pot or ecstasy ?

- I think I actually might know a guy...Let me check with Iggy... - I grab his hand as he's about to call out to Iggy.

- Remy mustn't know!

- Why? She got high yesterday with us. I wanted to invite you, we saw you in that club, but she said you were with some friends... are you OK? - No, I wasn't OK. I felt betrayed. I felt like a fool. All my real friends told me not to come. Not to run where she is. They told me not to let her step over me like I am a piece of trash on the street. But I didn't listen. She knew I was alone, she knew I was suffering, and she just didn't care. And on top of it all, she told me she thought smoking pot is for stupid people. So her boy toy made her stupid. She is stupid! Why do I love her?! Grr...

-Well, I actually wanted something stronger.

-Oh... - he was taken aback, but he liked me so he wanted to be the cool guy. - sure, sure...

- Can you get me coke? I'll give you the money when we get back to the hotel.

- umm... I'll see what I can do...

***

I am lying in my bed. Tears dried. I can hear someone coming up the stairs. She started from the second she opened the door, wanting to yell but keeping in mind that we are in a hotel room.

- What is wrong with you!? - She threw the money I had given to Mario. - Did you want him to get arrested. - jeeeeez now she cares about freakin' Mario. agrh... of course she does!! She cares about everyone except for me... (Mario is so sweet... Mario likes you... Mario was sad when you rejected him... HA! Like I am not sad! Like I haven't been sad for 9 years. )

 I was about to sit up so we can talk... I thought she was mad at me for wanting to risk my life and all... The bitterness and anger welled up.

- Oh, he's a big boy, he doesn't need his Mommy to keep him safe from a mean girl who.... - She slapped me on the face so hard I thought my lip was cut. My hand instinctively went to my cheek and the tears rolled out. I laid back down and turned away from her sobbing. I wanted to shout: I don't care about you either. I wanted to lie from the top of my lungs.

- Get up! - I wasn't moving. - Olivia, get up this instant! - I could hear the anger. She was pissed but I couldn't sense caring. Not one tiny bit. I put the pillow over my head. She pulled down the sheet, put her hand on my waist and started pouring down the swats with the other one! I didn't feel cared for. I felt hated.

-Reeeeeemy!!! Stop it! - I tried to turn around and after a very hard swat, she let me.

- What are you trying to do?! - she asked angrily.  I guess I felt I had nothing to lose, or maybe it was just the heat of the moment.

- To get you attention! To make you care about me at least a little bit!!!! - I shouted back and started crying, because the words were so painfully true.

- If you continue behaving like this you can only make me care less. - she said in a cruelly calm and cold tone.

- You could care less?! ... - She looked at me as if saying: you're about to see how little I can care. She turned around and left the room without a word.

I just wanted to die. I started packing, but then realized I wouldn't be able to go far with a big suitcase. I wasn't thinking, well not consciously about what had happened. I was in some robot like state. I got ready, even put make up on, which I don't normally do. I put all my things in the suitcase and shoved it under the bed. Made the bed. Took my passport, wallet, plane ticket and the bathing suit, left her a note with the money "Money's for any extra charges for the room. I have paid everything for the next 7 days, so you don't have to worry about anything. I will probably come for my suitcase before the flight. Stay well".

I went to the first shop, bought a liter of tequila and decided to get real drunk before getting into a bar... I drank too much too fast and fell into a drunken sleep on the beach. When I woke up a woman was sitting next to me. Everything was strangely quiet. I closed my eyes, pretending to be sleeping.

- The sun is about to rise. It would be a pity to miss it.

I opened my eyes, thinking I must look like shit.

- I'll just go freshen up.

- Sure. - she said with a warm smile. I wanted to cry. A stranger was being kinder to me than the women I had loved for nine years. The woman for whom I would have given up everything. Well I moved to another city for her. I helped her with her work. I was there for her friends. I did everything I could. I accepted the way she treated me... And this stranger cared more about me than she did. I washed my face and drank some water at the beach showers. The sky started its show.

I came back and sat next to the woman. She was so peaceful. She wasn't beautiful, but there was something so tender and at the same time strict about her. I always seem to think that women I love have a tender, beautiful, gentle heart behind the mask of distance. So far, I have never felt the tenderness.

- I am  Milica. - We shook hands. We both had  a very firm grip.

- Olivia.... Liv... - I smiled.

-You know, what you did yesterday was dangerous. Something really bad could have happened to you... - she said in a strict but caring voice, looking directly into my eyes. The fact that she seemed to care, brought me to the verge of tears, again! They just dropped down my cheeks. I tried to hold them back.

-It's over now. - she said and continued looking into the horizon. And the memories of the previous night came flooding back. It's over. I made it over. I want Remy to be here.... and I wanted to die again. Despite Milica's caring, despite the beautiful colors and the powerful Sun. Nothing mattered. I looked around for the bottle, in all honesty thinking I should be drunk when She finds me.

-Looking for this? - Milica was holding the empty bottle and looking at me incredulously. She couldn't believe my nerve. - You know, if I were you mother, you would be very sorry by now, and wouldn't think about drinking again.

In spite of all the sadness my stomach jumped. She was a Top!!! Real life Top! And she was threatening me. Delight and fear combined. I knew she could see it on my face. I looked down at the sand.

-I have to go back to the hotel. My daughter is going to wake up soon. Will you be OK, kiddow? - Her daughter.... she wasn't a Top, she was a Mother.

- Yes, thank you. Thank you for ... everything... and I am sorry I made you leave your daughter ... and... spend the night here... I am sorry...

- Oh, but that is not your fault. You should be sorry for what you did, and very sorry, but what you just mentioned were my decisions, not yours. And I am glad I've met you. And I didn't mind spending the night here.

- I am really glad I've met you too. Thank you! - I wanted to hug her. I am a hugger... when I am grateful, when I am happy, when I want to comfort somebody, when I need love... I hug. I wanted to but Remy said that I shouldn't do it in public. I was embarrassing her. I remembered the lessons which hurt me, so I didn't move.

- Isn't somebody waiting for you? - She asked when she saw I wasn't leaving.

- No. Nobody.

- Well, then, come along to have breakfast with us. I am sure Valentine will be happy to meet a new friend. - I felt welcome and decided that feeling sorry for myself could wait a little bit. I'll have plenty of time for that.

***

We ended up going to a beautiful beach, some 20 kilometers away from the town. Valentine was fun and incredibly smart seven year old. I played with her and taught her French and math and she asked me about a million questions and I invented some stories for her about princesses who didn't need anyone to save them. She hugged me about a thousand times and about as many times announced that she loved me and that she wanted Milica to adopt me as her sister, which almost made me cry because I've wanted an older sister all my life.

Milica was reading and glancing at us with a maternal look, and the tender looks weren't meant just for Valentine.

I found out that Milica was raising Valentine alone, that she was a University professor. And that she was 47, just like Remy.

After dinner we were going back to her hotel and my mood was getting worse and Milica was getting more serious.

I knew I had to leave. I was grateful for that day. I said I would go stay with a friend in her room and asked if she could drop me off at a cheap hotel on the opposite side of the town.

Valentine started begging me not to leave. She wanted me to tell her a story before bedtime, although it was obvious that she had already fallen asleep and that she would fall asleep again in two minutes.

- Yes. I think you should come with us and tell her a story. - Milica's tone was strange. It wasn't strict or cold, but I could see that she was thinking about something.

Of course Milica brought Valentine in her arms and she didn't wake up not even as her Mom undressed her and kissed her on the forehead.

We went outside on the terrace.

- Look. I didn't buy that thing about your friend at that cheap hotel. And that will be the last time you lied to me. OK? - She was serious, strict, but almost businesslike.

- Yes. I am sorry.

- You should be. - she continued matter-of-fact-ly with a tiny bit more of closeness and I realized the businesslike quality was due to the fact that she must have thought about what to tell me and she was giving me a prepared speech - If you want, you can stay here - my heart jumped! She wanted me to stay! I wasn't boring to her, I wasn't a pest to get rid of, she was fine with my company.  - buuuut, we have to talk first. You need to tell me why you did what you did yesterday. Or you will stay only for tonight and then tomorrow morning you will have to either introduce me to somebody who knows you, or go home. Of course, you can leave tonight if you wish, but I wouldn't be very pleased about it.

I imagined Remy's face if she knew I was telling someone about our ... relationship... friendship... nothing... our nothing.... Anyhow she would hate me for telling strangers things about her life.

But I really didn't want to go home. Only then did I realize that Remy might have called my Mom! I turned on my phone and saw two dozens of messages and missed calls. All from Remy.

I called my Mom, she didn't know anything, thank God! She didn't deserve to worry. She is a wonderful Mom.

And then I read all Remy's messages starting with the Where are you? that morning at 7 to "Olivia, call me right away! I will call the police" written about half an hour earlier. I wrote back.

"I am well. As I have written I will pick up the suitcase at some point. If it bothers you just toss it outside. I don't really care."

I don't think 5 seconds past when the phone started ringing. I could almost feel her anger through the ringing, but I silenced it quickly.

- You should pick it up. Face what you have to face. If you want, I can drop you off somewhere. - It started ringing again. I silenced it. Milica's piercing, unrelenting stare was very convincing.

- You will be here tomorrow? - I practically pleaded.

- Yes. - She patted me on the cheek. I hugged her. And she hugged me. If I weren't imagining, she didn't really want to let me go. We exchanged phone numbers. I rejected Remy's third phone call and wrote that I was coming. I mumbled. "Like you care... "

- Not everyone cares in the same way. - Milica said and picked up my chin so she could look into my eyes to see if her message had sunk in. I hugged her again and whispered.

- Thank you for caring the way you care.

****

Our hotel wasn't more than hundred meters away from Milica's but I was walking very slowly.

I met Iggy and Mario on the stairs. Iggy looked at me with an incredible hatred.

- You are really an idiot!

- Oh, go to hell.

He got even angrier and wanted to punch me or whatever, but Mario pulled him down the stairs.

-It's between the two of them.

- Stupid bitch. - Iggy mumbled.

Although I was angry, and hateful, I knew I would want to kill anyone who hurt Remy. Well at least before all of that happened. While I was walking up the stairs I didn't know whether I still loved her that much. I only knew I felt fear and guilt. It was overwhelming. I felt like running back to Milica when Remy opened the door and pulled me inside.

She looked horrible. Like she hadn't slept in days. Her hands were trembling. I felt she hated me.

She slapped me hard. My lip did bleed this time. I was just standing there, looking at the floor, tears flowing down my cheeks. I could see her trembling hands. I loved her. And I was sorry. She must have been worried sick. She had been panicking. The whole day. She must have gotten home in the morning and probably didn't stop worrying since.

- I should have never let you come. What would I have told your mother if something had happened to you!? - My mother!? So she just felt responsible. She didn't care. She just felt responsible.... My heart sank and my anger grew.

- I am an adult. You are not responsible for me. And if you don't give a fuck - slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap  I thought my ear and my face were going to fall apart. I started sobbing from the pain. She took out a belt and started hitting me on the thighs on the butt on the legs...

- I   swish swat swat ... AM responsible.... - I was trying to escape the belt and growled back through the tears and sobs.

- Stop it... You don't have the right.... - 

She thew the belt on the floor, sat on the bed and started crying, her face in her hands. Her whole body was convulsing with the sobs.

I was sorry. I was sorry for everything I had put her through. I loved her even if she didn't love me.

I knelt in front of her. And put my hand on her knees.

- Sweetie, I am sorry. I wasn't thinking. I just thought you didn't want me here and I ... I was hurting and... I just wanted to die... - she looked at me with so much anger and, I thought, hatred. - no, not like that...

- What do you want from me? - she asked desperately. And I realized I couldn't expect anything. I realized I had killed every single ounce of love in her. I put her through hell and now, now it really was over. Now she really didn't care.

- Nothing. I am sorry. I'll take my suitcase and I will be OK. I met someone. And I am in touch with my Mom. I will tell her that I am not staying with you anymore, so I am no longer... I mean I never was but... now she will know I am not even with you... I am almost 30 ... I am not a kid you are responsible for... I thought you were aware of that. I thought you saw me like that. Like a 30 year old...

- tears made my cheek sting like hell... but my heart hurt so much worse. Was I saying goodbye to the one I loved?? I couldn't stand it. I really just wanted to drop dead then and there

She wiped away her tears, sighed and looked at me.

-We have to put some ice on that. - weeeeeeeee again, she said weeeeeeeeeeeeee  what does that mean.. ????????

Anna and Natalie 5

During the two weeks before the finals Nat really saved my life. I had to get up early, eat properly and if I didn't have classes, I had to sit at the dinning room table and study. No TV, no phone, no going out except to the store and throwing out the trash which were ways to get some fresh air. She released me of all other chores. Once I even got couple of warning swats with the wooden spoon for washing the dishes instead of finishing a chapter I had started before the dinner was done.
***
That day when she found out about everything I started surprising myself with the effort I was capable of. No problems concentrating with her working on her laptop across the table. When my mind started wondering and I ended up staring into nothing (you know that feeling when you're not looking at anything really but you're eyes are open), she could somehow feel it, I don't know. Not even fully looking up she would just say: "Anna" and my stomach would turn and my butt cheeks start tingling, and concentration was back.

After about three hours and only one bathroom break I was starting to feel tired and more importantly studying became way more difficult. I was struggling but didn't dare say anything. Almost an hour of that torture worked its way up, painting my thoughts black. I can't do it. This is all in vain. It's impossible!! What was I thinking? I am dropping out and that's it. I must have been breathing differently and/or making faces but when I lifted my head decided to tell her that I'm giving up I saw a stern inquisitive glare waiting for me.
The courage dissipated at once and only despair was left. I guess she felt sorry, although her face didn't show it. To be quiet honest I didn't take too good a look because I lowered my eyes and mumbled.
"I am sorry Nat... I am sorry for everything but I really can't do this... It's impossible... I mean for me... I am not capable..."
"You are very much capable. I will, however, accept whichever result, as long as I see the effort we agreed upon.What I won't tolerate is giving up, feeling sorry for yourself or any other bad behavior. I don't care if you have to study standing at this table, but you will do as I say, because I know you will be happy in the end. And I want you to be happy." I wanted to disagree... I wanted to scream BUT I AM NOOOOOT CAPABLE...
"Why can't I remember anything if I am so capable?! Why can't I even understand this shit?!" I fell silent under her glare. She took her glasses off,  slowly. Closed her laptop, just as slowly, and got up. Now, I know that she was thinking about the right move: should she just grab the wooden spoon and give me a release from the vicious circle of my thoughts, should she quiz me on what I had been reading - but what if I truly didn't remember, then she would be proving my point, should she just let me go for that night, it was quiet late after all. She took the wooden spoon before she had actually decided what to do. Finally it clicked. She had to know the truth, proving my point or not.
But that night, not knowing her train of thoughts I almost peed  when I saw her go for the wooden spoon because my butt was still so sore. I noticed that my eyes were already full of tears and my lips curling, I felt like remembering and understanding were up to me. Like not being able to memorize or comprehend was for the lack of effort not for the lack of intelligence or memory capacity. And of course, I was sorry....
"I am soooryy,... Nat... please I am sorry... please I will study... please don't any more... please...I can't take any more...." She stood in front of me with the spoon in her right hand and looked at me.
She was still angry about the whole thing, but at that moment she was touched by my sincere repentance. For some reason she decided that hugging me at that moment would be counter productive. (How could it ever be counter productive!!! I mean, hug is the most wonderful thing you can do at any point!) She moved the book  closer to her.
I was surprised. I expected her to order me to go over her lap or to grab me by the arm, although she had never actually spanked me over her lap or by her hand, which I regretted, seeing in it the love I read about in FF domestic discipline relationships.
"Stand up" And I did. My quivering legs somehow holding me.
She started reading random sentences and demanded I talked about them. At first I felt awkward and scared and didn't speak that well, but later when she put the spoon down, took her glasses and sat in my chair I started feeling better. The first time I didn't know the answer at all, I got scared again, but she just wrote something down and continued. After half an hour she gave me the list of pages I had to go over. If I didn't know something on page 45 for example, I had to reread 44, 45 and 46. The list was pretty long, but the feeling that it all depended on my effort hadn't left me. Well, at least not that night.
***
After two days of progress and cheerfulness, I realized I was actually already a whole day behind the schedule she devised that fateful day. She didn't say anything and I saw that she was satisfied, but I wasn't. I knew I would do badly despite of the torturous hours of trying. I was already sleepy that morning and when Nat left for work I went to the couch and fell asleep. I kept waking up, thinking I heard the phone, or someone knocking at the door, and then falling asleep again in the matter of seconds. After having wasted 5 hours I finally got up, mad at myself. The goal felt so far out of my reach that I didn't even think of trying to study. I went for the food. Half an hour later, disgusted by myself, I went to the bathroom crying, hitting myself in the belly, wanting to hurt myself so badly... I just wanted to die.
I threw up and cried, and when all but the stomach acid was out, I rinsed like twenty times and cried some more... hit my head with the fists and washed my face and punched my thighs.... barely retained myself from doing something worse...
I didn't hear her come in.
I was sitting by the bathtub hugging my knees. The tears had run dry. And except for the deep scratch on my upper arm where I dug in the nails at some point, and the red puffy eyes, there weren't other traces of what had been happening in there.
She startled me :"Anna...?"
I got up quickly and got pretty dizzy. For a second I just saw darkness and some sparkling dots, but I pretended that I was looking at the floor.
"Sweetie, are you ok?" She held me and I hugged her. I didn't want to let her go, ever. She was stroking my hair, and kissed me couple of times. I just held her in my arms, my face on her shoulder and in her beautiful hair. Finally she gently pushed me and held my face in her hands. I loved the sound of her bracelets when she moved her hands.
"What happened, sweetie? Were you throwing up? Were you sick?"
I knew that I shouldn't lie, but it would be so easy... how about a half-truth. I want her to love me and hold me. I don't want her to get angry. But, by the time I looked up, her expression had changed.
 I couldn't decipher it. Was she suspicious, angry, disappointed, worried..? Could she know what had happened. My brain was so slow.
"I am sorry... I ate a lot... I... " I wanted to say I got sick, but she finished instead of me.
"You had to make yourself throw up?"  My eyes must have betrayed me.
"Anna, are you bulimic?... Oh, my God, you are... Sandra warned me..." The realization hit her.  "Let's go sit down." She took me by the arm gently, but I winced because she placed her hand on the scratch.
"What's ..." and she saw it. Her eyes grew deeper, darker. She was speechless.
I felt even worse. Like a stupid freak, psycho, idiot...
I wanted her to yell at me, to punish me, not to make a big deal out of it. I didn't want to be some psycho case...
"It's nothing, Nat. I'll just go back to the studying, ok. I haven't done too much today. I ate and I was sick, and I threw up... yes, I did it on purpose, but because I got sick. I am not bulimic or any of that stuff. And as for the scratch,... " I was trying to think fast, but no good explanation would come to my mind. I glanced at her face to check how I was doing so far, but she wasn't strict. She was serious and worried. I could see that she was thinking about something else, not even listening to me.
 "OK? So,...  do you want a cup of coffee?" I dared and at least partially succeeded.
"Yeah, sure" She said absentmindedly and went to the living room.
Why did I accept this responsibility. I've never wanted to be a mother... I should have known that would be my role here...Well... I am the father... and the mother is 2000 miles away... missing her... Lidia would have noticed it ... but, ok... she would have freaked out and probably sent her to the shrink or something because she would have felt helpless... Should I make an appointment with the psychiatrist? I know what my Felicia would do... she would have spanked her, and then made her eat until she finishes what's on the plate... Am I becoming my mother, God! But that sounds like a very good idea actually. no.... it sounds like an easy solution... dealing with the consequences... What?! 
"Sorry, Anna, what did you say?"
"I... said here's your coffee and ... I asked if you were ok...? And.... I didn't say it, but I am sorry about everything... I am sorry for being such a mess and always... taking so much of your energy... I really want to be a perfect kid... I mean... person... and I would like if I could make your life better not worse... I am sorry..."
Natalie didn't know what to say. She wasn't one of those people who would comfort you and say no, you're no trouble, although they actually think you are.
I thought she was quiet because she had nothing nice to say. She patted the couch beside her and I sat.
"How often do you vomit after overeating?" she asked calmly with concern in her voice. I couldn't sense one bit of anger or disgust and felt tempted to say the truth, but I thought it would be OK if changed it just a little bit.
"Well... sometimes... it's like once in two weeks, sometimes... it's less..."
"And sometimes it's more often??"
"Well, usually it's really not even once in two weeks, but... like I think it's connected to my period, ... I get sad... or... nervous..."
 Ok, does this mean she's not bulimic if it's not that often? Is this not too often?! How much is she lying? Agrrr I'll need a psychiatrist!! 
"And what about that scratch?"
oh-oh... Why did she have to go there?! Shit... what do I tell her... what is half of the truth ... it happened ... no... let's say a quarter of the truth....
"Well couple of times a year, when I am really stressed out... I ... "  I wanted to say hate myself, but I knew that would be too much. She couldn't help me with that... "I ... got anrgy..." Oh, why didn't I go for a lie?! Why is she looking at me so attentively. Can she read my mind?
 Couple of times a year is probably every month... Does she cut herself? 
"Take off your shirt." She said it as if we were just talking about my tan or a something. "Why?" I was buying time. I didn't look, I mean usually I don't get bruises...well on my legs ... couple of times but not on the belly... guess it's the muscles...  I don't hit myself thaaat hard... Yeah, I'll give her the top if she lets me keep the bottom.
"And your sweatpants" Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez is she freakin' reading my mind!
"Come on, Nat it's... "
"Anna, now." Before I met her I never knew that someone could practically whisper and make you obey as if they yelled your head off. I was standing in my panties and the sports bra, the sweat pants around my feet and the T-shirt in my hands.
"Turn around" I wished that there was a mirror so I could see what she saw. I felt so embarrassed.
 Ok, so it wasn't psycho all the way, maybe a tantrum... If she were a toddler, she'd be over my knees and never repeat it again. But this is deeper... Lidia!!! This is your fault!!! 
"You can put your clothes on and tell me what you did today. The whole day, and don't you dare... No, actually, keep the sweatpants down and come closer, it might be good for you memory."
Oh, for God's sake tell her the truth. Tell her the truth... she's looking so stern... aaaa... I can't tell her...
"Well... when you left I studied for a while... and... then..."
"How long a while?"
"Well for about... two and... well three ... yes about... three and half" SWAT! Ooouch!
"Would you like to reconsider your answer?"
"No, I did..." Swat, swat, swat ... and then I tried to move away and finally got what I had thought I wanted... a loving over the knee hand spanking... and.. oh, was I wrong for wanting that kind.
"Naaaaaaat!" I was surprised. My head on the couch cushion, feet kicking the coffee table. I tried to get up, but she just locked me down with left arm and adjusted my body so she had a better hold of my waist. "But you can't!"
"I swat can't swat swat swat!?! Yes,  swat I can swat swat take a baby swat swat over my swat swat knee" She didn't bother with making the spanking even. My right butt cheek was about to be set on fire any moment now.
I was bawling within minutes. There was something about the position, it wasn't just the pain. The vulnerability and the closeness.
"Please ... Nat... plea- ease... " She was slowing down, and I was feeling a bit better actually, I mean emotionally, when she ruined it by saying.
"Ok, now that you've been spanked like a baby, do you care to tell me the truth, or should I go get the belt?" Where did the love I thought I felt go?!The caring!? The closeness! Why wasn't she helping me stand up and hugging me, and stroking my hair, clean slate and all... ?
-Don't - SWAT - owww - try swat - owww- to swat swat swat -get up -SWAT - aoooww
"ok...Whe- en youuuuuu weeeent I caaaa-aaame here aaaand slept until about one.... Plee- eease don't spank me aa- any more.... I love -you" She released my waist and I finally got my hug.
"I know, sweetie, I love you, too. And from now on you have to tell me the truth, ok?" She held my face in her hands and made me look in those beautiful hazel eyes as I promised I would.

"Go wash your face and come back so we can revise our plan, ok, love?"
"Can't I stay a little bit longer? I need a hug..." I was imploring her knowing that I wasn't going to get a hug after she sees how far behind I am on 'our' plan...
"Oh, you big baby. What will I do with you?" She said as she put her arms around me.

Nicole and Mila 2 / Waking up the kid

Mila was still in bed when Nicole called her.
"You've just woken up?!" Nicole couldn't believe it. With so many problems in her life she still managed to get up at 6 am, work, help her friends, clean the house and have enough energy to invite the brat for lunch and Mila'd just gotten out of bed at 1 pm! That's if she actually got up!
To the scolding tone of her lover's voice Mila, sit up straight in bed and tried a lie.
"No, hon, it's just that my throat is kinda weird."
"Oh, are you getting sick?" Nicole was very suspicious, but had to act as if she were buying it, just in case.
"I-I don't know... I don't think so..." she stuttered.  If she said yes, she probably couldn't see her until tomorrow, and she needed her. She wanted to hug her and cuddle so much. But if Nicole found out she was lying then she'd get it. Lying is up there on top of the list with taking drugs and other serious stuff. "No, definitely. I think it's the heating. The air is dry..." If she had seen Nicole's eyebrows and stern look over the phone she would have stopped right there. "...and... and I had been meditating and I was quiet... so... What are you doing??" she tried to sound cheerful and carefree.
"Oh, nothing, I wanted to take you out for a lunch but I think it's better I come over there to see what's going on with the heating. I'll be there in 15." Nicole loved to solve the problems right away and wasn't the one to postpone the punishment.

Mila looked around and realized that the mess can't be dealt with in 15 minutes and figured, it's better she got ready and try to persuade Nicole to go out for lunch after all.
Having showered and dressed in a pretty skimpy outfit, considering the outside weather, she started to put the dishes in the washer but the bell rang.
Nicole almost laughed at Mila's try to sway her away from "the talk". She took the coat Mila was holding and hung it.
"I told you we're not going anywhere". Mila's butt cheeks clinched. She wasn't used to the talks. The first time she ever got over anybody's knee was 5 weeks ago, the night before their 3 months anniversary. And it was a playful thing. Kind of a present for Nicole. After that they had made an agreement which she had regretted two times already. She knew she needed discipline, and she loved Nicole for having enough love and patience to spank her instead of breaking up with her for being childish. She felt safer in this relationship than ever before, because Nicole's love seemed so stable, and all-accepting and ... it was like the quotes, love is when you help somebody become a better person... and Mila was definitely maturing, dropping the bad habits... well... at least trying to... but at moments like this one... she still wanted to run and hide.
"But, Nicole, please... I...I'm "
"You're sorry you lied to me?" She knew!!!!!!!!!! A rock fell on the bottom of her stomach, her mind went frantic.
"No,... I ..."
"NO?! You haven't lied to me? You weren't sleeping when I called you?!"
Mila stopped breathing. She could already feel the fear mounting...
"No..." her pleading look was met with a stern one, eyebrows shooting up on that No. Quick to correct herself she continued stammering "... what ... what I meant to say is ... that... p- please don't... don't...."
"Well, should have thought about that earlier, shouldn't you?" Relentless as usual, Nicole interrupted her calmly and firmly as she was putting her bag on the living room table and looking around at the incredible mess... Clothes, papers, books everywhere... She could see the boxes from the take-out food on the kitchen counter. She would have to teach Mila couple of lessons before inviting her to move in to her lovely apartment. Well, first the lying...  Her eyes fell on Mila still standing at the living room door, almost shaking, nervously playing with her fingers. Oh, how wonderfully guilty and repentant she seemed. Nicole almost felt like walking up to her brat and pulling her into a hug when she saw two empty potato chips bags under the table.

"Are you going to clean the sofa, or should I?" Mila rushed to move the books and the clothes but not knowing what to do with them she just put them on the floor by the television set. Nicole started to get annoyed, grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her toward the now empty sofa. Deaf to Mila's mumbling protests and pleas.
"Please... please don't.... I won't be a mess... I won't sleep too much... please ..."
"I certainly hope so" she said while thinking to herself...: Should I go for the belt? The hand spanking doesn't seem to keep her alert for too long a time... and taking everything into account, she deserves it... But is it too early in the relationship...? "And you will not lie to me again."
"I won't, I promise I won't. Please...." She mistook the time Nicole took to ponder the punishment for a forgiveness. Still, Mila felt miserable, and very much alert, regretting every minute of sleep and lying around and doing nothing. What the hell is she doing??? , she screamed inside her head as she saw Nicole unbuckle and take off her belt. Her trembling knees betrayed her as she sat on the sofa.
"No... honey.. please... Not the belt..." she half- whispered, eyes welled up already.
Nicole was stacking cushions in silence. When she put the last one next to Mila's thigh she put a finger under her lover's chin and lifted it to see the pitiful expression. Careful not to show any compassion on her face she asked:
"Why did you lie to me? " Mila just bowed her head unable to pronounce anything. "Ok, lie over the cushions. You'll talk later." Mila couldn't move. She was pushed down on the pillows by the shoulder and her right side lifted up enough for the belt strokes to lend.
"Swat swat I Swat told you Swat to Swat Swat Swat lie over the cushions Swat swat swat" With every stroke she flinched and let out a small yelp, although objectively they weren't too hard. After the last ones she felt she couldn't take it anymore and tried to push against Nicole's hand to free herself. But that was a big mistake!
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww" those first strokes were nothing compared to this! "Owwwwwwwwww owwwwwwwaaa Ni... oww .. Nicole... owwwwwwwww pleeeeeeeeease... pleeeeeeeease"
"Will you obey?"
"Yes.... "She lay over the cushions although she couldn't imagine the spanking continuing.
"Owwwwww it's owwwww enouaaaaaowwww"
Nicole rested the free hand on the small of Mila's back, and the belt on her butt.
"I will never lie to you aaagain... I proooo mise ... I promise... please... I prooo ... mise" Mila was quick to interpret this as the end...
Nicole was pondering the buns in the dark grey leggings, the naked lower back revealed when the pearly white tunic slid towards her shoulders. Oh, she wanted to hold her close, to take off those leggings and have fun. But there'll be time for that. I must remain strict if I want to help her. 
"What do you have to do today?"
Was that a trick question? I should prepare lectures for tutoring and read for my papers... What does she mean??? 
"I don't know... "
"You DON'T know!?" swat swat SWAT
"Have you remembered?!" Mila was trying to gather her thoughts ...
"I have to  -- prepare the -- lectures and --exercises for the tutoring...and in the afternoo--on go--o  to the session" she whimpered.
"In the afternoon!? Interesting choice of words since it's already  afternoon.... And?"
"And.... if .. if I have time I should read a little bit for -- my papers..."
"You will have time in the evening. And, what else?"
What does she mean "what else"??? Nothing... nothing... How could I possibly do anything else? I don't even have enough time to prepare for the tutoring ...I have to leave in less than 3 hours! SWAT
"Owwwwwwwwwwwww... I don't know... please not anymore... I can't take it, honey"
"When you come home you also have to clean it. Understood?"
"Yes! I will clean it! I promise!"
"And tomorrow, I will come to check."
She could hear Nicole putting her belt back on and got up. She didn't want her to go. She was very very sore and hungry, but what she wanted more than anything is to caress that body and have those strict hands caress her gently. She tried to stop Nicole's hand from clasping the belt, wanting to unbutton her pants.
"You don't have the time for that, love" she gently held her hands and then wiped a tear from her cheek.
Agrrh.... this is so difficult... I wish she had time... because I would like to hold her in my arms and take off those leggings... Who's going to wait another day...
"If you do everything we agreed upon, we could have some fun tonight..." And there were the sparkling beautiful eyes. Mila hugged her tight.  How easy it is to light her up, thought Nicole. She has to help her be the best version of herself. 
 Nicole wrapped her arms around her sweet lover as Mila excitedly started talking: "I will! You'll see! I'll do everything! First, I'll..."And just like a kid she continued to recite her plan how she would manage everything...

NIcole and Mila 1 / the warning spanking

Nicole was standing by the bed watching Mila sleep peacefully although she had heard her postpone the alarm at least four times!!! Since their playful spanking and the agreement about discipline there had been couple of opportunities for a spanking, but she thought it would be the best to start slowly since Mila had never been spanked before, not even as a child and had never really had any true authority figures in her life. So far she obeyed when Nicole put on a strict face but there was a playful note to her obeying, mostly she was trying out an obedient/pout/cute look. When it came to her bad habits, she was whining and lacking determination. Nicole new Mila would be late for her job interview if she didn't get up immediately.

"Mila!" She took off her blanket and slapped her pretty hard on those cotton panties. 

"Ouch" Her eyes opened, she was wide awake. 

"Why did you spank me?" 

Nicole almost laughed out loud. Spanked her!!! She really is clueless! 

"You snoozed at least four times! That's forty minutes!!! And now you don't have time to do everything you're supposed to in order to be poised for the meeting. The next time you press the snooze, you're getting a real spanking." She could see Mila's defenses rising, and her expression was bordering on pouting mixed with anger. Looking at her was starting to make Nicole angry as well. "I want to see you downstairs and ready in 15 minutes." 

When she saw that Mila wasn't coming down, she went up  to the bedroom and found her in her panties and bra sitting on the bed hitting her thighs with fists, crying. Pants, shirt and a dress were carelessly thrown on the bed beside her. Although she didn't stand tantrums, her first reaction was a desire to hold her and calm her down. 

"Mila, honey...?" She had never seen her that vulnerable and true to her inner brat before... so ... truly her with all her issues out in the open... 

"I hate these faaaaaaaaaaat....agh... I am not going! I hate myself!" she said and hit her thigh again.
OK, that's it... the kid needed help.
"Get up"
"Why?" Mila raised her teary eyes completely unaware of what was awaiting her. "Just look at me! I can't go to th... what...what are you doing?" It started dawning on her when Nicole grabbed her upper arm and began pulling her over the knees.
"No, nonono.. No, you can't now... Nic... ?? ouch ouch.. ou,... hey... ouuchhh Nic... ou  Niïiic... ?"
She spanked fast but not too hard.
"Stop slap whining slap... and slap stop slap slap slap being such a brat slap slap slap... You are slap slap behaving like a toddler..."Nic made the slaps harder and the brat began to realize just what she got herself into.
".. ouuuu.... Niiiiic....?"
After about another two dozens of slaps Mila spoke again, but this time in a cutest, tamest of voices, like a kid telling her Mommy that she had a bo-bo..."But... Nic.. it really...  hurts..." It melted Nicole's heart and she had to use all of her will power not to stop and hug her. She slowed down the spanking emphasizing each word with a not too hard a spank to the already peachy bottom.
"Sweetie, this is a punishment. It has to hurt. You have to remember not to behave like that again. And not to snooze your alarm again!!!" She finished off with couple of even harder ones because the snoozing was a horrible habit. It made Mila start wailing and kicking. Which earned her another dozen on the thighs.
Although she was well aware that she was being lenient, Nicole stopped and put her hand on Mila's back.
"Do you know why you got the spanking?"
"Bee-cause I ... was behaving like a ... toddler and... because I didn't get up on time..." For couple of moments the silence was broken only by Mila's quiet sobbing. Nicole wanted to stroke Mila's beautiful hair.
"Get up, now, sweetie. You have to get ready..."
As she was getting up Mila's eyes widened in surprise.
"I have to go! After this?!" her lips curled again. "Aren't you supposed to hug me after this?!"
Nicole got up, unable to hide the smile and held Mila tightly, softly whispering.
"You obviously haven't had enough... but now you have to go." She made her point with a spank on that rosy bottom. And turned to figure out which outfit would be the best for her sweet little brat, although she wished she could just pull her onto the bed...

***
The whole day Nicole was thinking about the evening. She was excited about a play spanking, but she also vividly remembered their first conversation about discipline and how much Mila wanted to improve. She started thinking about asking Mila to move in and made all sorts of plans.

She made a light all-vegetables dinner because one of Mila's goals was to eat healthier and lose some weight. Although she didn't mind that extra bit on her bottom and thighs it was painfully obvious how much Mila hated that fat, but also how undisciplined she was when it came to dieting.

Doorbell rang and she was surprised to see that Mila got her a beautiful red rose.
"I am sorry for being a brat today..." Oh, those sweet deep eyes. They kissed and held each other tightly, both thinking about skipping dinner and going to play a little bit.
****

Mila was hoping that they would just enjoy the newly deepened relationship and not go back to talking about her behavior. She was trying to be angelic. Washed the dishes, poured the wine, made sure Nicole had enough cushions behind her back when they went to the living room.
Nic was enjoying the little show, the perfumed skin and hair, close to her face when she was being made comfortable; the uneasy, half-expecting glances of her cute brat, ... but she knew they had to talk seriously before the love-making.

"Sweetie, we have to talk now... "
"Can't we just cuddle?" Mila tried the smile which she knew made her dimples visible. When she saw that it wasn't working she blurted out: "You're not going to spank me again, are you? I will not snooze and I will not have the tantrums, I promise, Nic..."
"Love, I know you will... and you do too, so we have to talk about what will happen when you do..." She saw her words were making the brat angry.
"You don't believe I can change... " she was pouting, and Nic's palm started tingling already.
"Yes, I do. I just think you will need a little bit of help." They both knew she was right, but Mila was still struggling with acknowledging it. "That is why, we will start with the snoozing"
Barely letting her finish Mila jumped in:
"But, that's not fair!! When I am asleep I don't have control over my actions!!! Sometimes I am not even aware of what I am doing!!!"
"OK, so what would you like to start with... a healthier life style? What you eat and how much you exercise? No? How much TV you watch? Brushing up on your skills?"
Mila felt tired. Overwhelmingly tired. Snoozing looked easier compared to all of the other changes.
"You were right, I could start with the snoozing..."
"Ok, so, if you snooze, you get a hand and brush spanking. No more warnings. Deal?"
"...ok..." she didn't sound too happy about the prospects but figured, that she only has to obey when she sleeps over. When she is at home, she could do whatever she wanted. She laid her head on Nicoles breasts. She could feel her heart beating. She loved her more than anyone else before. Was it too early to tell her that?

Anna and Natalie 4: Secrets and lies part 2

Introduction 

(I had a need to explain the inner turmoil, but you can skip it if you wish)

Since the first spanking she kind of took me in hand and the talks were not the same for a couple of weeks. There was always the looming threat. I wanted to be good, and I was… but I had kind of a barrier in my brain. As if it wasn’t completely working. Like a car in the mud. Wheels working, mud everywhere but it just can’t get unstuck.

Eventually … I just… stopped caring about everything. I guess I was disappointed in myself for failing 2 exams mostly because of absences, and being absent only because of my freakin' laziness, but no matter how much I hated myself at times I kept allowing myself to have fun. The fun was tainted by the tasks waiting, but I couldn’t master the motivation to sit and focus. At the same time, I felt like Nat had done so much for me and that she cared in a more thoughtful way than my own mother. I mean, Mom was wonderful and I wouldn't change her for Nat, Mom would hug me a lot and … well allow me anything I wanted… I was a very good girl until my teenage years, didn’t ask for much but with the teens a kind of laziness, brain fog, depression, or whatever it was, started and it was getting stronger and stronger.

Nat was like a father figure who can be gentle and caring… I mean she was the authority. And she had expectations. And for a short time after that first spanking I was more acutely aware of her expectations and I guess seeing that her “medicine” worked she was more strict in the way I needed it, but as the time went by she was releasing me. What the hell did she think? I matured overnight?! I know all of this is ridiculous, but I truly envied the ones who had a dd relationship, a top who would make them do what’s best for them. It wasn’t that I wanted to mix sex and discipline, I just wanted somebody to care and I figured, I wasn’t giving anything back to Nat. How could I expect her to care?

I didn’t love her in a sexual way (she most certainly didn’t love Me in that way). As the matter of fact, I never loved anyone in a sexual way… I thought I was asexual or otherwise an expert in blocking things out. The thought of spanking aroused me when reading about it but it was more the threat, the taking in charge, the love that aroused me, not the pain. The pain I hated. When it got to the pain the arousal was pretty much over. And with Nat I just wanted her to consider me her kid; I wanted her to adopt me… Maybe I was just thinking in learnt schemas, like either you are a kid and taken care of oooor you are a sexual partner. The world was opening up for me while reading the blogs. And at the same time, I was getting further and further away from the real life and my obligations.

The chores I did, sometimes at the last moment, but I would have felt truly ashamed if I bailed on them. Nat wasn’t asking much of me… I really wasn’t giving her anything… How could I even hope that she would help me with motivation? I had to do it on my own, but this damn blockage in my brain…  How I loaded myself... The overeating and occasional throwing up after it, combined with all of the above, were leaving me with fat and cellulite to which I wasn’t used to (I am 5’ 10’ and was more on the skinny side 126, during most of the high school), guilt and the disgust for myself. 

I started sleeping more and more. Only to wake up minutes before I knew Nat would get home. Sometimes I was so lazy to even get up that I just pretended I just had a ten minutes nap, just before she entered and that I had studied before. She was busy with work and I supposed that she wasn’t noticing anything. And to top it all we didn’t have our time in front of TV at night where I could hug her and at least for a second feel like a little kid, free and loved.

She went back to asking questions about my studies as if it was a routine thing to do and buying whichever answer I offered. When I would admit that that day I hadn’t studied at all she would brush it off because I had been studying hard (yeah, right, I wanted to say, but didn’t). When I admitted for a couple of days in a row she offered help, asked me how she could help and I wanted to tell her, tell me to sit at the dining room table with you so you can watch over me while you work and see if I am actually studying, tell me that I have to learn this and that and you will quiz me … please help me get out of this f*cking hole I am sinking into. I can’t do it myself. I need to do something to regain at least that little shred of self-confidence that I used to have in high school, I need a proof that I am smart, please help me make it or I am just going  to quit

Of course, I didn’t say any of that… If I asked for it then it wouldn’t have been love but... sense of duty or something similar. I never liked that as a cause for action. It was too impersonal. And, to be quite honest I wasn’t sure I would get the help. I’ve heard her say way too many times: “Don’t be a baby” “That is just too childish”

Natalie had it all together: she was hard working, always had the energy, always focused, responsible, standing straight (unlike me), she was just perfect… From her always perfect hair to the ironed work clothes to a perfect body (skinny but muscular, about my height) to success wherever she went… How could she know the feeling of being stuck?  I knew she was tender and sensitive underneath it all but, I knew that she had very strong emotions, but … since she never showed almost any except an occasional, rare … tense or nervous very short lashing out… her sensitiveness stayed a mysterious treasure. Her love was presented in actions… and… when there were no actions I needed, and no gentle words or gestures (God forbid she hugged me first!… ) I felt like she just didn’t care, like she changed her mind about having a burden in the house.

After these thoughts, and they were almost constant, I felt even worse and more helpless, less able to focus on anything but the idiotic self-pity.

***

On Monday I found out that I will definitely fail the two courses out of the 6 taken. And the grades on the six weren’t good at all. Not attending the two classes I spent even more hours in bed. Eating only sweets and chips and watching TV when awake and yes… why hide it… reading the blogs…  (never actually managing to come I was dumb even at that). On Wednesday Nat went on a business trip and was supposed to return on Saturday evening.

It was Friday. Needless to say, the house was a pigsty. When I’d used up all of the tea spoons and spoons I started using forks to eat ice cream. I hadn’t washed my hair in 4 days. Laundry was piling up. And to think that I was planning a great cleaning of the whole house to surprise Nat. “I’ll do it tomorrow” Or “I’ll start later” were my mantras.

It was 7 pm when she called to ask if I was home and if I needed anything from the city. It was like an ice cold shower. I rushed to put the whites in the machine, trying to clear the mess on my way, shoes, jeans, a bag…  and then rushed to do the dishes. I looked at my reflection in the window and realized how disgusting I looked.  The greasy hair tied in a messy ponytail. Half the dishes in the washer I ran up the stairs to the bathroom. I was finishing up the shower, hair washed in a towel made into a turban on my head when I heard her calling my name. I was glad I made it and the rush of finishing “so many” things in such a short time gave me the very wrong sensation that I managed to make the house look acceptable. She was closing the windows and I ran to hug her. She hugged me; more like patted me on the back after being gone for 4 days! That’s all I got. She was tired and she wasn’t happy about the state of the kitchen.

“You could have cleaned this… Did you just turn on the washer when I called?” I hung my head feeling guilty and embarrassed.  

“I am sorry Nat. I was planning to do it all this evening and tomorrow. I even wanted to do a thorough cleaning of you know the whole house..” She entered the living room and stepped on a piece of chips.

“I am sorry… I will vacuum right now… I will do everything around the house for a whole month… Please… I am sorry…”

She wasn’t saying a word. I wanted to hear what I’ve read so many times and have it delivered like she did twice. “You deserve a spanking” and have the slate clean. And have her hug me and comfort me… but.. no… she was too mad to do that.. too disappointed… Oh, I wish I could hear her thoughts…. Or maybe it would have been just too horrible... She was working long hours to come home to some idiot ruining her perfect house. I felt like shit. I just wished I could die then and there. 

“It doesn’t  really matter. I’ll go take a shower.” But she started to pick up the empty cookie box from the table, the piece of chips from the floor, and straighten the bed cover. I stood there like an idiot… My heart sinking further and further into the “I don’t care” mode cause I can never do anything right.

I vacuumed while she was taking the shower and cleaned the kitchen a little bit. And went outside to throw the trash out. The excitement was gone. My pace slow. Dragging my feet and deciding that I should give up and go back to Mom’s and just stay in bed forever… I didn’t deserve Nat… How could have I ever expected her to care about me. I am a worthless piece of shit. 
 I will tell her about the two courses failed and about my decision.. or maybe I could just move out… and still see her at least from time to time. I would die from missing her…

By the time I was back she was in bed with a book. I took care of the whites and put in the colors and sat there in the basement for a while. 

Saturday morning wasn’t cheerful. She was distant. It was the worst punishment ever. To top it all, she had mopped the floors before I got up. I hadn't even thought of that the night before, I could have done it without waking her up. I wanted to plunge a knife into my stomach. I hated myself so much...
 If she’d yelled if she’d done anything, it would have been so much easier. I was miserable and decided I should punish myself… by leaving…

“Nat, …” she looked up and through me… “I am sorry for everything… I will move out … I failed two courses anyhow..so..”  aaaaaaaaand she was back in the game.

“You did WHAT?” my stomach churned. Her eyes were flashing. Her voice sharp. I was awake too. The “barrier”, the fog in my brain gone. I was completely present and my mind racing. And I was terrified. Didn’t even think about being happy that she cared.

“I-I … I-… “ The muttering! Where did that come from? “I failed… “

“How can you know?” (When I was younger she used to think that I am too strict on myself, perfectionist and so on (although I was much smarter back then)…so she was trying to find an excuse… that I was only imagining, thinking of the worst.. yeah, I wish…. ) “The finals are not…” she continued at the same time as I whispered “I was absent” not so much willingly under my breath but for the lack of it. She couldn’t quite fathom that “You were WHAT?”  

The table cloth was really beautiful. Like everything Nat chose. I didn't dare look at her.

“I wasmssn clses” Half expecting her hand to fly across the table I slouched further down

“Speak up!” man was she angry, she neeeever raised her voice. “You were missing classes!?” She came across the table picked up my chin and pierced me with her beautiful hazel eyes. I tried to hang my head back down but she wouldn’t allow it. The grip was tight. I got the point. I felt smaller by the second. 10 inches… 8… 5 … disappearing… Ready to clasp my hands together and plead, but I sat there motionless, petrified.

“Why?” What could I tell her.. didn’t feel like getting up in the morning… ? Felt like going back to bed in the afternoon…? Or like watching TV shows, a season a day? Hadn’t prepared the exercises we were going to discuss… everything sounded soooo foolish, so stupid… Why did it ever make perfect sense to me!?

“Answer me or I’ll slap you, I swear!”

“I am sorry.. I was lazy… I am sorry” the childish whimper was all I could produce her right hand in the air.

“And the other classes… ?”

“Well.. I still have the finals…”

“You mean you could be failing more than two?! The straight As student to a failure?!” She didn’t know what to say. She let go of me and held the table. Was she dizzy? My silence was confirming her fears. “Just… just go to your room”.

I had no idea what was about to happen… I sat there and waited… and the fear was fading.. . I started to block everything out… after about an hour I just fell asleep… I didn’t care… again… it was so easy to go back to that place where you can allow yourself anything and everything and not think about the consequences…

“ANNA!”

“Naaat” I sat up straight, confused, and happy that she showed up, and scared THE BELT! I’ve had it but it was over my pajamas and … she wasn’t this angry… In fact, I haven’t seen her this angry in my life! And after all the stories I had read I dreaded the belt even more. I had to go pee… Why is she doubling it… how about.. you know some time for preparation, bracing myself… talking about it…

“You did NOT just fall asleep!” Exasperated with my attitude (though it wasn’t my attitude, I was depressed!  It’s not like I was doing it on purpose.. I couldn’t help it…) She grabbed me by  the left upper arm and there I was, on my belly. Swat swat swatswatswat aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa if felt like a horrible long one and like horrible hundred! Aaaaaaa swatswatswatswatswat…. The tears flowing, legs kicking, gasping for air, don’t know where I am swatswatswatswat! And then she slowed it down but made them harder “how SWAT can you SWAT be SWAt so Swat irresponsible?! SWAT!

“I aaaaaaaaaaaaaam… sorryyyyyyyaaaaaaaaa owww” she wasn’t stopping once she caught the rhythm: bottom, the soft part, the sitting spot, thighs she was all over. “I owwwwwwwwwww trieeeee-ed… Naaaaa-aat” Swat swat swaaaaaaat!

“You SWAT tried swat?! What exactly?! To SWAT ruin SWAT your SWAT education?” swat swat … I couldn’t take it anymore… the tears were streaming down my cheeks, I was wiggling, kicking uncontrollably, feeling absolutely miserable and helpless and guilty… when will this end? I can’t take it anymore… it’s too much… the words just escaped my mouth.

“Pleeeeeeeeeese… it’s enough owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”

“I decide when it is enough” owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww she picked it up with seemingly more force.

“I am oawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Naaaaaaaaat uuuuuuuuuuuuunhhh soo-aaaaaaaa sorry uuuuh I won’t do uuuuuuhw it again… I uhhh aaaaaaaaaow will study…owwwwwwwwwwwwwww Nat stooo oop plee eeese it huuuu..rts ooooooow sooooooo ba-aaad pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaaawww pleeeeeeeeeeeease!”

“Oh, you WILL study! Believe me! And you will remember this one for the rest of your life! !” SWAT SWAT SWAT the fact that I was in pajamas wasn’t helping. I felt as if my bottom must be bleeding.. it had to be that because the burning pain was unbearable… I tried to slide down the bed cover, but she caught me and landed some fast and hard ones. "Move again and the pajamas are off!" That was just too horrible to imagine. I tried to be still but it hurt sooo bad... 
Finally, she stopped. I was sobbing uncontrollably. 

“Now, get cleaned and come downstairs”

My reflection in the bathroom mirror was pitiful.  I was ugly and puffy but when I looked at my eyes I hoped she will find a way to let that miserable look into her heart. I took the makeup mirror to check my butt. It was sooo deep deep…red …?worse, don’t even know what’s that color…  I couldn’t believe it.. Should I put some cold water on it? But I didn’t want to put anything on it… I wanted to lie on my tummy and cry to my heart’s content. I just felt like letting it cool and yet I had to go back downstairs. I could almost see her sitting at the dining room table.

And, there she was, couple of sheets of paper in front of her. She had put the reading glasses on and looked even more strict! Although the spanking was over I felt as if I was walking towards a punishment.

 „OK, I think you are well aware of the trouble you’re in. Sit.“

„But Nat....“ she raised her eyebrows and I lowered my sore sore behind on the wooden chair. Almost cried out again, so I tried to pretend that I am sitting, my butt half an inch above the wood. She tilted her head not believing my nerv. Ok... can’t go around it. I gasped.

„Now that you are seated... , we are going to save you, but be sure this will not end with your finals!“ We are going to save you? Save me? She actually thinks I can do something about it all!?? But it’s way too late! I nodded, kept my mouth shut and my eyes on the table cloth.

„First, what are your grades so far?“ How do I tell her?! I can’t lie! Oh, I cannot! But...

„Anna, I’ve lost my patience and if you don’t start cooperating this instant I swear to God I will take the belt and paint your butt red, without the pajamas!“ The shocked petrified pleading look did not have any effect on her. If we were in a cartoon there lightnings would be coming from her eyes and the sky would roar madly.  I swallowed. I knew I should save the best for last, but I was a coward.

„Well... Capitalism... I ... if I got a B on the finals I would get a B...“

„And if you did the final exam 100/100 and begged for some extra work, earning some extra credit?“ What is she talking about?! Nobody could do that!!! And it’s what... like 2 weeks to the finals... „Would you have enough points for an A?“ She’s doing it again! I am not brilliant, Nat! I wanted to scream I am not like you!!! I am not .. like YOU!!!  But I just mumbled...

„I guess, but I that’s impossible.. nobody could...“

„OH, you can and you WILL!“  Yeah, and you’re delusional and I am dead! I must have made a face. Her hand landed sharp on my cheek and over my ear. It wasn’t too bad, it was more of an attention-getter,  but still it made my ear ring.

„Listen to me, young lady, you will do what I say and if you make that face again you will be sorry“

„I AM sorry...“

„Good. The next grade, can you get an A?“

I knew I had to speed it up...

„Well really the other three courses would be... like... Cs...“

I could feel her whole body stiffen even though I was looking at her hand holding the pen.

„Cs?“

„Yes...and one even maybe... one ... but I could get a C there tooo“ There was no need to be explicit that I was going to get a D... Silence fell between us. I felt fear raising up, but there was also hope. When I had Nat on my side, maybe I can do something... Maybe I can make it tolerable..

„Kimberly should have spanked you every time you procrastinated. I should have been more involved...But you are an adult... For God’s sake Anna you were supposed to be an adult! What happened to you?!“ Her head was in her hands. That wasn’t what I’d expected...

She got it together and continued with the questions with much less enthusiasm. After half an hour she had a plan The impossible plan ...an unachievable one.. I was set to fail in her eyes no matter what..

„You will be studying here where I can see you. Do not even think of pulling any kind of a stunt. I will spank you 5 times a day if I have to! I swear to God I will! Not one toe over the line. Understood?“

„Yes“ that was very clearly understood but how will I do it all... there is no time.. and my brain is so slow... it’s just impossible...

„What are you waiting for? Get your books here already!“   

When I look back to this moment I realize that fearing her punishment instead of beating myself up for all the failures had its releasing effects. It was actually helping me think more clearly. And knowing that she cared about me made me feel worthy, gave me motivation and strength.

Question about DD Ff relationships... please comment...

I would lie in my bed for hours, daydreaming of having a loving dd relationship... hoping to fall asleep and have a nice dream... why couldn't I be normal?! Wanting sex with a boy. You can get that anytime and anyplace... and everyone is understanding when you have problems... or at least wanting sex with a girl... but no, I had to make it difficult... I had to want a domestic discipline relationship with a woman... Someone to adopt me...in a way... to make a better person out of me... to help me with her firm hand and caring discipline...

Could you please comment? How do you feel about your inclinations? Have you ever found anything remotely similar to the spanking stories online? I've never had the experience and I can't stop wondering if there can really exist a loving DD Ff relationship which is not on the SM side... you know spanking being a form of disciplining, not a torturous, sadistic and for me a horrible thing one can see when you go on the spanking videos channels....


Troubled (adult) brat...